


All the right reasons

by Sagnfreidi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Denial of Feelings, Enterprise, First Contact, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, away mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 07:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13266240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagnfreidi/pseuds/Sagnfreidi
Summary: Five times Leonard has a good reason to turn Jim's advances down. And one time he has a good reason to go after Jim himself.





	All the right reasons

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted from FanFiction.net, now with minor edits, as part of my moving to Ao3.  
> Link -> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12391724/1/All-The-Right-Reasons

**5: Rebound**

The first time Jim came on to Leonard they’d hardly known each other for a week. It was morning and classes weren’t on for some hours yet, but Jim’s morning vigor had made it impossible for Leonard to sleep in. Leonard was sitting in their kitchen nursing a cup of coffee and glaring at the wall as if it was somehow responsible for the unacceptable cheer of his roommate, who was currently singing in the shower, loud and out of key but with great feeling. Leonard just deepened his scowl as the overly energetic youth made it out into the kitchen a few moments later, dressed in nothing more than a towel riding low on his hips.

"Put on some darn clothes, would you?" Leonard asked grumpily. Jim just grinned.

"Don’t like what you see?" Jim asked, suggestion clear in his voice. Leonard harrumphed. It wasn’t that the kid was hard on the eyes – you’d have to be straighter than a ramrod to not realize that Jim Kirk was one exceptionally well put-together man – it was more the principle of running around half-naked in the kitchen that Leonard was against. There was no point to it and it implied a greater familiarity than Leonard was comfortable with.

"I don’t like seeing anything this time of day, least of all your pale ass." Leonard said dismissively.

"What, it’s covered." Jim said nonchalantly, slapping himself on his towel-clad ass.

"Kid, if that towel gets any lower you might as well not bother at all." Leonard said exasperatedly.

"Is that an invitation, Bones?" Jim asked. Leonard was starting to feel like the kid was just being deliberately obstinate. Looking at Jim’s waggling eyebrows the feeling turned into certainty.

"Don’t you start with me, now. I ain’t playing that game." Leonard said threateningly. Jim’s grin returned with a vengeance as he practically stalked over to Leonard and sat down in the older man’s lap. Leonard spilled coffee over his hand as Jim pushed his arm to the side to seat himself.

"Auch, dammit!" Leonard complained, distinctively uncomfortable with an armful of almost naked Jim in his lap. Jim grabbed his hand, cup left on the table.

"Here, let me kiss that better." Jim said, kissing his fingers before Leonard could avoid it.

"As a doctor I gotta tell you, that doesn’t work." Leonard said annoyedly.

"No? Someplace else I can kiss that does work for you?" Jim asked cheekily.

"Get off me, you damn leech, and go get some clothes on while you’re at it!" Leonard said, unceremoniously dropping Jim out of his lap. Jim just laughed

"If you change you mind, just let me know, Bones." He said, winking over his shoulder as he disappeared into the bedroom. Leonard sat behind mumbling insults under his breath, scowl fully back in place. It wasn’t that Jim wasn’t handsome, because he was. But Leonard had only just gotten divorced, and sex now would just be rebound, and Jim was his only friend in this godforsaken place – maybe even his only friend, period. Leonard wasn’t desperate enough to not recognize that rebound sex with your only friend, who was also your roommate, was a bad fucking idea. So Jim could flaunt his sculpted body in the kitchen and kiss Leonard’s fingers all he liked, Leonard wasn’t going there. And that was final.

 

**4: Drunk**

The second time Jim came on to Leonard, it was at a Christmas party, and they were both drunk off their asses. The attempt wasn’t entirely unexpected, and Leonard was in a way almost impressed that Jim hadn’t tried this before, because there was no lack of appreciating glances or lewd comments coming his way in their daily lives. Leonard tuned it out without paying it much mind. Flirting came as natural to Jim as breathing and had to be practiced almost as often. Also, Leonard was fairly sure Jim was willing to shag anything with a pulse under the age of fifty, and he’d probably be flexible with the age limit too.

That didn’t mean that Jim _did_ shag just anyone, because dammit if the kid didn’t have his pick of the crop, and he sure did know how to pick them. Jim just didn’t know how to keep them, and didn’t seem to care too much to try either. For all Leonard knew – and being constantly with the kid, he knew well on the other side of too much – the only person Jim had flirted with on a near as constant level as he did Leonard was Cadet Uhura. There was one difference, though. Leonard was pretty sure that Jim would be bitterly disappointed if Uhura ever gave into his flirting. And he wasn’t so sure Jim would be disappointed if _he_ did. It wasn’t love Jim felt for Leonard, at least not the kind that made a relationship, Leonard knew that. It was more like want, want and the no-bullshit of real friendship. And probably a fair bit of curiosity. Leonard was okay with that. Hell, it was nice to be wanted. And maybe, he occasionally felt just a bit of that for Jim too. So yeah, Leonard could deal with the constant flirtation without reading anything more into it than it meant. 

It also meant that he wasn’t surprised when Jim came stumbling into him, giggling as he clutched at Leonard to keep himself upright and integrating himself well into Leonard’s personal space while he was at it.

"Bones! Bonesy, I was just looking for you!" Jim slurred, a delighted look on his face as he kept clinging to his friend.

"Well, you found me." Leonard said, not even this amount of liquor ruining his dry wits, only making his southern drawl thicker. Jim laughed.

"I missed you. Gary and Jess were talking to me, but they’re never half as fun as you, you know? You always make me laugh. Like really laugh, not just the fake laugh the others want to hear, that… fakey fake laugh that sounds real, but isn’t. You know, right?" Jim rambled and Leonard sighed to hide the affectionate smile that was threatening to break through on his face. Damn his drunken sappiness!

"Yeah, I know, Jimbo." Leonard said.

"Ooh, look! Mistletoe!" Jim said excitedly, pointing at the bundle of green hanging over a doorway a bit away.

"Sure is." Leonard agreed suspiciously, but he didn’t even have time to form those drunken suspicions into coherent thought before Jim had smashed their lips together. For a moment, Leonard was startled enough that he just stood there before instinct took over, and for a glorious moment Leonard reveled in the feeling of Jim’s surprisingly soft lips melding against his own. Then a drunken shift of gravity pulled the two apart and the air between them had Leonard regain at least some of his senses.

"You know, I don’t think that’s how mistletoe works." Leonard said, the dry deliverance ruined a little by him being slightly out of breath. He took another step back, not letting entirely go of the swaying Jim, but putting a definite amount of room between them. Jim laughed, trying to get closer again.

"Well, it was in the spirit of things." Jim said. Leonard snorted and kept a firm hold of Jim so as to not let him get close again. Jim’s swaying became more pronounced and Leonard’s grasp became more supporting than anything else.

"Good god, man. You’re too drunk to stand." Leonard said.

"Not too drunk for this." Jim said, trying to kiss Leonard again. Leonard easily deflected him and Jim pouted.

"I don’t like it when you’re being mean." Jim said childishly.

"I’m not being mean, I’m being pragmatic. Now let’s get you home." Leonard said, almost sighing to himself.

"Oh, ready to go home with me, are you?" Jim asked with a suggestive smirk. This time Leonard did sigh.

"We live together, you idiot." He said. Jim’s smile turned softer as he leaned against Leonard’s shoulder.

"Mm. Must be committed to you, then." He mumbled into the fabric of Leonard’s shirt, and dammit if it didn’t do… _something_ to Leonard’s insides. Then he pushed the whole thing away. Jim was just being drunk and a tad sentimental. There was no reason to go read into things now, it would only get awkward later.

 

**3: Training**

The third time Jim came on to Leonard, it was in a very literal sense. They were at advanced hand to hand combat, and they were paired off with each other like always. The TA figured that Jim was less likely to accidentally beat the living daylight out of his opponent if that opponent was Leonard, and Leonard for his part was coming to enjoy the opportunity to be with his friend in a more physical manner (no way in hell was he going to admit that out loud, it sounded embarrassing enough in his head, dammit).

It was times like these Leonard thanked whatever deities might be left from the old world that Jim was not in any way telepathic. Leonard imagined how awkward it would be if Jim was able to pick up the slightly-too-frequent-for-casualty thoughts that passed through Leonard’s head when he was around his best friend. But, god _damn_ , it was hard to keep your mind out of the gutter when you had a panting, sweating Jim grabbling at you. And if the thoughts persisted outside of the training court too, well, it wasn’t Leonard’s fault that the uniforms were so tightly formfitting that you could practically see every muscle in Jim’s body move when he did. And Leonard was just a man. A man who hadn’t had sex in a very long time. And Jim oozed sexiness, and the kid bloody knew it himself.

The thoughts that didn’t have to do with sex, the protectiveness and fondness that he felt when it was just him and Jim, Jim wearing the glasses he wouldn’t be caught dead with outside of their home, nibbling at the end of a stylus while he read, Jim stretching like a lazy cat on the couch in the weekend, Jim dead on his feet after a long day showing up at the clinic with take away, Jim smiling that honest to god smile of his that he reserved for those he trusted, meaning Leonard, all of _those_ feelings were just friendly domesticity. Because they were friends who lived to together. Being friendly.

Right, Leonard should quit while he was ahead.

"Oof!" He exclaimed as Jim tackled him to the ground. He maybe also should keep his thoughts on the matter at hand.

"Why, if I knew it was that easy to make you fall for me, I would have tried that move ages ago." Jim said teasingly, still keeping him on the ground.

"Very funny, Jimmy." Leonard growled, hoping desperately that he wasn’t blushing. Because he didn’t blush, blushing was for teenage girls with a crush. Now, if Jim would only let him go! But the kid kept him down, halfway lying on top of him. This was doing nothing good for the coherency of Leonard’s thoughts nor for his blood flow, and it wasn’t because Jim was cutting it off.

"No, seriously. It’s not easy to make you succumb to my charms. But now that I’ve got you, wanna have dinner tonight?" Jim asked and Leonard felt a flash of annoyance and even something like hurt (which was bad news, come on Leonard, get a grip, don’t let his meaningless flirting get to you now) at the joke offer.

"If this is you being charming, I’d hate to see you angry." Leonard deflected gruffly.

"You won’t, Bones. Not you. I’m never really angry at you, haven’t you noticed?" Jim asked, and that much was true. Sure they bickered, Leonard scolded Jim for being reckless and infantile and not eating or sleeping enough and Jim pestered him about working too many shifts at the clinic and not letting go and relaxing when he needed it and generally worrying too much. Once or twice they’d had a spat about how to keep the flat, Jim wasn’t unhygienic or messy, he just had a decidedly chaotic approach to systematics, kitchen utensils never went back where they came from and personal hygiene products got shuffled every which way (and Leonard wasn’t fond of accidentally using shaving cream as deodorant in his morning stupor, dammit) and Jim also had zero respect for personal space or belongings, camping in Leonard’s bed or using his clothes whenever it so pleased him (although Leonard had never found it in him to berate the kid for those last offenses for some reason he didn’t want to examine too closely).

Point was that while they argued with each other frequently, they rarely ever got actually angry. Annoyed, sure as hell, just not angry. And it was this truthful spin to the whole flirting game that threw Leonard enough that he didn’t know what to say.

"So that’s a yes to dinner?" Jim sounded so damn _hopeful_ it actually made Leonard’s heart clench before he reminded himself that while Jim very likely did want to get in his pants, he didn’t want a relationship and things would just get weird if they started more than they could finish. Something one of them wanted more than the other.

"I’m working at the clinic tonight, kid.” He said with a shake of his head, finally finding it in him to throw Jim off of him and getting back to his feet. Jim followed adroitly and said, so low Leonard wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear it, _" I know"._ Leonard didn’t know what to make of that, so he decided to just ignore it altogether and return his attention to the practice session.

 

 

**2: Adrenaline**

The fourth time Jim came on to Leonard, it was desperate and they were both frightened and buzzing with nervous energy. Things had dissolved into sheer madness, somehow they were in pursuit of a crazy Romulan from the future who’d just destroyed a whole fucking planet and in the middle of this the universe had laughingly made Jim captain and Leonard CMO of the goddamned Enterprise. There were wounded and traumatized people everywhere, scared ensigns running around trying to win a losing battle while still reeling after that last brutal shock to the system.

Jim, the brilliant man, was standing on the bridge like a beacon of hope and certainty, but Leonard knew, could see it in the coil of Jim’s fingers, the setting of his jaw and the lines of his back, that Jim was in pain and so terribly out of his depth. So Leonard did the only thing he could do, he demanded the captain to leave the bridge for one darn minute to get a medical check-up after frigging space jumping and getting marooned and being fucking strangled, and that was an order.

Jim followed, reluctant to leave his post because this was James T. Kirk, self-flagellant with a martyr-complex the size of the quadrant, and that idiot Pike had enabled him by making him First Officer and thus captain in the end. Leonard swore that Pike was getting a thorough tongue lashing later, ranks be damned. Leonard pulled Jim into the CMO office and closed the door behind them.

"Sit down before you keel over." He ordered gruffly, grabbing a tricorder from the table and scanning Jim. The only encouraging thing he got from the readings was that Jim was alive.

"I’m okay, Bones." Jim said all the same in a comforting voice.

"Like hell you are. You’re lucky I’m not putting you on medical probation." Leonard said, turning around to get some salve from the locked medical cabinet behind him. He heard Jim getting back on his feet and was about to scold him when Jim’s arms came up around him and Jim pulled them flush together, his face resting against Leonard’s neck, his breath warm against Leonard’s skin.

"We’re going to be alright." Jim said, and Leonard wasn’t sure who Jim was trying to convince, Leonard or himself. Leonard turned around. He should push Jim off of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to, not right now when there was so much raw fear between them, fear that Jim refused to acknowledge but which was evident in his eyes all the same. So instead Leonard held on to Jim’s shoulders (clung onto to him for dear life, more like it, but Leonard wasn’t going to admit to that).

"You’re going aboard the crazy future-alien’s ship with only that darn hobgoblin to help you, Jim, how the hell is that going to be alright?" He asked, aware that his voice was too tense, almost strangled.

"Kirk luck?" Jim suggested, and the irony of that was not lost on either of them.

"Screw you." Leonard said, anger stirring at the fucking hopelessness of this shitty situation. Jim smiled wryly at that.

"Why, yes, please." He said, but they were standing too close and the situation was much too tense for it to be funny. It became something else, something almost desperate and definitely needy. And shit, Leonard wanted to do it; he wanted to crash his lips against Jim’s and take and taste and feel and make sure that Jim was alive and real and staying with him, here, safe.

He couldn’t though. This situation was so wagged it was like it wasn’t even real, nothing he did here and now would carry unto the life he still, despite everything, hoped they’d have afterwards. Only it would be impossible for Leonard to forget. And he didn’t think he could carry on like normal if he’d had a taste and then be dismissed afterwards with a carefree laugh and an eye roll.

So instead of kissing the ever-loving shit out of his best friend, Leonard pulled him into a fierce hug. It lasted only a couple of heart beats and then Leonard relinquished his hold on the other man, pushing more than nudging him back into the chair and getting the salve he’d originally been looking for.

"Now, if you’re so hell bent on going on a kamikaze mission, you might at least do so free of pain." He said, and if his voice was trembling with unspoken emotion, then Jim didn’t comment. The fact that Jim sat quietly and allowed Leonard to spread the pain relieving salve and then even inject him with a hypo probably spoke volumes, though.

 

**1: Fraternization**

The fifth time Jim came on to Leonard, they were getting married. They were visiting the planet Emula in a first contact mission. The Emulans were an interesting bunch, scientifically and technologically relatively advanced but still deeply entrenched in superstition and religion. The head of the Emulan welcome party, Krahento, was a religious leader of some sort (Leonard wasn’t interested enough to learn the completely convoluted religious system of the planet), and most of the other Emulans welcoming them were religious workers too.

The away team of the Enterprise had been invited to attend a ritual that had already been scheduled to take place the afternoon of their arrival, something the Emulans referred to as _the calling of hearts_ , which apparently was a sort of mating ceremoni in which the divine forces they believed in spoke through Krahento and called out couples destined to love each other. Krahento was very enthusiastic in explaining about it as they walked towards the ceremonial hall.

"It great joy from Above given is, it true and rich is. Happy people are when together, forever, yes? Sacred love, sacred bond." Krahento said. It took some getting used to the alternative word placement, but it wasn’t the worst Leonard had heard. That would be the Galimentas who didn’t even have fixed word placement, they just said the words in whatever order they thought of them. Jim had been the only one to make sense of it.

"You with people sit, I at _froiwn_ sit, Above to me talk, me the true couples show. I out speak, they forward step the bond to accept, they married are." Krahento carried on.

"What if they do not wish to get married?" Jim said with honest curiosity. Krahento looked incredulously at him, like the question didn’t even make sense.

"Bond _sacred_ , great gift is, always true. No one that down turn. Offense to Above, offense to love. No one bond down turn." Krahento said and Jim nodded appeasingly, but shot Leonard an amused glance at these people getting married over superstition.

The crew took their designated seats amongst the many Emulans who had come to either witness or maybe participate in the ritual. Krahento sat down on a sort of dais in the middle of the room, intoning what appeared to be a prayer with answers from the surrounding Emulans. Then he drank from a large goblet and seemed to enter a trance as he sat swaying for a long time before he started talking, or more like singing. Happy squeals sounded as two Emulans got to their feet and made their way down to Krahento, both smiling widely as Krahento uttered a blessing while waving his hands towards them, and they kissed under loud cheers and blitzes from cameras everywhere. The couple then walked to the back of the hall and sat down, and the process started over.

Leonard noted that they apparently had no problems with homosexuality as two girls were called, both blushing furiously as they pecked each other on the lips. It was surprisingly forward notion compared to what they usually encountered on strictly religious planets. More forward than even his ex-wife, Leonard thought with a huff. And to think that she was raising his daughter… it reminded him to maybe make a point of talking to Joanna about it. He’d be damned if his own daughter had a problem with two people of the same sex loving each other. He suddenly noticed that everyone were looking at him; everyone except Jim.

"What?" He asked and then Nyota was pushing him and Jim both to their feet.

"You’ve got to be kidding me." Leonard grumbled, a sense of panic catching hold of him

"Looks like we’re getting married, Bones." Jim said, grabbing his hand and dragging him along when it didn’t seem like Leonard was inclined to move.

"Oh come on!" Leonard complained, only reluctantly following Jim.

"Let’s not cause a diplomatic crisis. It doesn’t mean anything, it won’t even be registered." Jim said in a low voice. Jim was right, of course, it didn’t mean anything. Problem was that Leonard, sorry bastard that he was, _wanted_ it to mean something. This whole thing was like a cruel joke played specifically on him, taunting him with something he couldn’t have but which he wanted so fucking badly it was pathetic.

They came to a halt in front of Krahento, who did the same blessing and waving hands combo he’d done to the other couples. Leonard, in a preemptive strike to avoid Jim wreaking even more of a havoc on his heart than was already being done, quickly pressed his lips to Jim’s in a short, flat kiss and then he was the one dragging Jim away, cursing the fact that even with such minimal contact, his lips were tingling from having brushed against Jim’s. It wasn’t healthy, this thing he had going for his best friend. Leonard sat scowling something fierce through the rest of the ritual, which ended after another four couples had been appointed.

They were then taken to the garden behind the hall were a reception was being held, a joint celebration of the freshly married couples and the arrival of aliens to their little planet. The notion of being an alien momentarily distracted Leonard from his dark thoughts, but they soon returned with the onslaught of Emulans wishing to both satisfy their curiosity towards the strangers and congratulate the Captain and CMO on their marriage.

It was several hours into the reception that he managed to get away, fleeing into the empty ceremonial hall. It was a relief to be alone, Leonard thought as he leaned against a wall. He was going to need a healthy dose of that to regain his mental equilibrium. And then of course the quiet was interrupted by approaching footsteps. Leonard didn’t even need to turn and look to know who it was, the rhythm of the steps were distinctive enough (because Leonard was the kind of slightly obsessive person to have catalogued most little details about Jim).

"Why are you so angry?" Jim said without preamble as he reached him. Leonard looked at him.

"I’m not angry." He said, and he wasn’t, really. He was frustrated and hurting and having Jim around on an ordinary day was enough of a reminder of how his best friend would never want him for anything more than a quick shag without this circus rubbing it in too.

"You are. Is it because it reminds you of Jocelyn?" Jim asked. If Leonard was a smart man, he’d grab the excuse with both hands.

"Jocelyn doesn’t have to do with anything." He said tiredly.

"Then why did this bother you so much?" Jim asked, stepping closer. If Leonard hadn’t already had his back against a wall, he’d have taken a step back. Leonard didn’t answer, he just wished that Jim would back down, but wishing for Jim to back down was like wishing for the Narada to not have happened: pointless. Jim was only getting closer, so close that Leonard would need nothing more than to lean forward for their lips to connect. Leonard closed his eyes, like a last escape.

"Does this bother you too?" Jim asked in a low voice, his hand now suddenly burning against the side of Leonard’s face. Leonard’s eyes shot wide open, taking in the almost solemn expression on Jim’s face, so unlike his usual cheeky grin. Leonard could feel his breaths coming in short bursts, his whole body feeling paralyzed under the simple touch.

"Please don’t, Jim. I can’t be your friend and an easy shag." He said, pain raw on his face and in his voice. Surprisingly Jim flinched at that.

"I don’t-" Jim started but was interrupted.

"Doctor! Ze president of ze medical society vants to meet you." Chekov called from a bit away, apparently oblivious to the way Jim and Leonard had stepped away from each other too quickly.

If Leonard had had any guts at all, he’d have asked Chekov to go ahead without him, excused himself for a moment to find out what Jim had been about to say. But he didn’t. Instead he stepped around Jim and walked towards the navigator, not looking back at Jim. He wasn’t ready for that conversation, he told himself. He wasn’t ready to have his heart broken again.

 

**+1: Home**

In the month since their ‘wedding’ on Emula, the Captain and CMO of the Enterprise had been working together with perfect efficiency, no time wasted on lingering in each other’s company or exchanging jokes. Jim had stopped coming around after his shift ended, stopped doing is paperwork in Leonard’s room, stopped insisting on drinks and talks, stopped even talking to him outside of group conversations or work and certainly stopped casually touching him or flirting with him. And it was killing Leonard slowly from the inside.

He was working most hours of the day to distract himself from the fact, and not even Chapel had been able to dissuade him from the much too long days. And even though Leonard came back to his rooms completely exhausted from having worked sixteen hours practically without a break, his mind still wouldn’t let him sleep for thoughts of Jim and all the ways Leonard missed him. He found that the list was endless, every point having sub points. What really came to surprise him was that the Enterprise, which he’d been living on for three years and which he was comfortable with (or at least as comfortable as he would ever get with a tin can darting through empty space), suddenly wasn’t feeling at all like his home anymore, not without Jim inhabiting the same space he did, and if that wasn’t just the clichéd cherry on top of this misery pie, Leonard didn’t know what was.

Over and over, Leonard found himself repeating the scene on Emula in his head, wondering what it had meant, what Jim had tried to say, what he’d been too cowardly to hear. And then finally laughing mirthlessly at how he’d tried to save himself from heartbreak by walking away. Which was funny because this here felt a hole lot like that anyway. And there was this tiny little voice telling him that he really was stupid, because the look on Jim’s face had been so unlike him, and so like he might be…

"Oh shit." Leonard groaned into his pillow.

If he for a second stopped thinking about how little sense it made for Jim to return his feelings and just looked at the facts – the way Jim was always in his personal space, the way he brought him dinner when he was caught up in work and looked out for him every bit as fiercely as Leonard did for him, the way he’d mumbled about commitment even from the beginning, the way he allowed Leonard in when no one else was allowed even close, the way he found comfort in comforting Leonard, the hole fucking Emula situation – then it started looking a whole lot like Leonard was both blind _and_ retarded.

Sitting up in his bed, he looked at the chronometer. It was late, but knowing Jim, the other man would still be up doing paperwork with no one there to stop him. Well, Leonard was going to stop him. Slipping into a t-shirt and combing his hands through his hair, he got out of his room and down the empty corridor to Jim’s room before he could talk himself out of it.

He chimed the door and as expected, Jim opened the door after just a moment. It was the first time Leonard had seen his friend up close for a month, and Jim looked haggard, like he hadn’t slept and skipped a meal here or there as well, but he was still beautiful (so fucking beautiful, and dammit if Leonard wasn’t going to let him know). Jim looked entirely surprised at the impromptu late night visit from the doctor he hadn’t spoken to in a month outside of work.

"Jim. Can I come in?" Leonard asked, suddenly nervous. Jim nodded and stepped aside. The door closed silently behind Leonard, who was not so sure what he was going to say.

"What can I do for you?" Jim asked in a low voice, no name attached. Like he was unsure what to call Leonard. It hurt Leonard more than he cared to admit. But then that was the whole problem he was here to fix, wasn’t it?

"I suppose I came to apologize. For being such a major idiot. Christ, this last month, it’s been bloody agony." Leonard said, and Jim looked like he was relieved, like he too had wanted to reach out but hadn’t known how.

"It wasn’t all your fault, Bones…" Jim started, quick to forgive, but Leonard shook his head.

"Yes it was. If I hadn’t been so god damned blind, right from the beginning, this wouldn’t even have happened." Leonard said, taking a step closer to Jim who looked at him with wide blue eyes.

"Bones." The word left Jim’s lips barely a whisper. Leonard wondered if this was what it had been like for Jim that day on Emula. Jim looked caught straight between wanting to close the distance between them and run away.

"No one’s running any more. It’s time we both own up to this." Leonard said, looking Jim squarely in the eyes.

"I love you, Jim. I have for a long time, I just didn’t think you could love me back. I’m so sorry I pushed you away." He said gravely, the levelness of his voice completely belying the way his heart was pounding away. A shaky grin crossed Jim’s face, like he didn’t quite trust that Leonard meant it. Leonard just kept looking straight at Jim, his face serious. Finally Jim swallowed, hard enough for it to be audible.

"You’re right. You are an idiot." He said, voice hoarse. And then he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Leonard’s in a surprisingly sweet kiss. Leonard finally allowed himself to reach out for the other man, securing him tightly against his own body with one arm around Jim’s waist and the other snaking up to bury his hand in the blonde’s soft hair. Jim moaned softly as he too reached out for Leonard, entwining them as closely as they could get. When they had to break for air, Jim stalled for a moment by leaning their foreheads together.

“Just to make sure you don’t make that idiot assumption again: I do love you. I always did. I always will.” Jim said and Leonard recaptured his lips with his own, leaving those the last coherent words spoken that night. And for the first time in years, everything felt pretty damned alright to Leonard McCoy. 


End file.
